The Gift of Interested

Though we humans are naturally relational people, we are not always naturally good at relationships.  Using this one simple tip will improve your relationships with your significant other, your family, your friends, your co-workers, and your clients – become more interested in other people.

It is simple, but there are so many things that get in the way – our own self-interest, our insecurities, our desire to look smart, insightful, interesting, or funny in the eyes of others, our endless preoccupations, etc.  If you want to have better relationships with people, work on putting that stuff aside and becoming truly interested in the people around you – their thoughts, perspectives, opinions, hopes, desires, and experiences.  Get good at asking questions and then… listening and asking more questions.  This is particularly important with people we think we already know, because sometimes these are the people we begin to show the least interest in.

When you give people the gift of being interested in them, truly interested, you will discover how interesting they really are, they will feel cared for and listened to, and they will think more of you for it.

Cultural Christian vs. On the Journey Christians

This chart is the from a section of a sermon I did on repentance.  Just like the Pharisees would have hands down won the “Most Jewish-Jew” awards of their day, cultural Christians in our context would often be the ones to win the “Most Christian-Christian” award.  This is tricky for us because Jesus was adamant that the Pharisees were actually stumbling blocks for the Kingdom, but their pride kept them from seeing it, and their outward displays of Godliness kept many other people from seeing it – just not Jesus.  Since this is such a deceptive problem, every Christian needs to ask themselves whether they are a cultural Christian or are truly on the journey with Jesus.You can hear the whole sermon by clicking HERE.

Cultural Christian	On the Journey Christian
I feel condescending towards sinners, lost people, and those far from God especially for those who do things I have never done.	I feel compassion for sinners and those far from God.
I feel assured or even proud of my own goodness.	I feel assured of God’s goodness.
I feel proud of my humility. It is a sign that I am a spiritual person.	I have a genuine humility that comes from an awareness of my own brokenness.
I feel that my religious knowledge and good deeds puts me on a higher plane than others.	I feel that God’s undeserved favor or grace makes me love other people more.
Other people’s sins are hurdles in my relationship with them.	Other people’s sins strengthen my compassion for them.
As a mature Christian I think a lot of my opinions.  People can learn a lot about God from me.	I treat others as important, knowing that God can and does speak to me through others.
I derive self-worth from being seen as a wise and spiritual person.	I derive self-worth from being loved and accepted by God.
I hear from God better than many of the people around me, my family and friends, and they should respect that.	God speaks to and through all people and I respect that and listen for it.

The New Question of Easter

[Note: A cultural era is rarely one with clear geographic and chronological boundaries.  Instead one era tends to gradually fade into the other, with remnants of a past era lingering into the next.]

During the pre-modern era – a period of time in human history where the predominant way of viewing the world was shaped by some sort of mythology, superstition, and sacred tradition – the primary question asked of the Easter story was, “What does this have to say about what will happen to me when I die or in the afterlife?”

During the modern era – a period of time in human history where the predominant way of viewing the world was shaped by a profound trust in science, scientific methods, empirical observation, human reason, and human progress – the primary question asked of the Easter story was, “Is it true; did it really happen?”

Today, at the beginning of the post-modern era – a period of time in human history where the predominant way of viewing the world is shaped by hyper-individualism, skepticism, relativism, and disillusionment – the primary question asked of the Easter story is, “Why does it matter right now; why should I care?”

I believe the trick is to try and answer the question people are asking and not the one we think they should be asking or the one we are most comfortable answering.

[Due to upheaval in my life I had to put blogging on the back burner for the last several months.  Thank-you to everyone who continues to read.]

The Bucket Concept (for Difficult Relationships)

[This one came to me while I was helping a friend navigate a difficult relationship.]

Let say there is someone in your life who is verbally and/or emotionally hurting you.  You get so frustrated, hurt, fed-up sometimes that you feel like you are going to break, snap, or throw in the towel.  You can’t change the other person, you can only change you.  So what can you do?  What do you do when you can’t change the other person and you don’t want to or you can’t quit, leave, or make the other person go away – but they push you to the edge sometimes?

Pretend you have a bucket that you always carry around with you.  Mr. or Mrs. Nasty is always dumping nasty stuff into it by saying or doing things that hurt you.  Over time, and sometimes it doesn’t take much time at all, your bucket gets full.  It’s heavy, it smells bad, and a part of you would love to get rid of it (the relationship) but you either can’t or don’t want to.  What can you do?  Do you have any options besides misery and quitting?

In fact you do.  Here are three things that you have the power to do with your bucket without getting rid of it.

1) Poke Holes in It – Set up a regular counseling sessions with a professional counselor who will teach you skills that will help you poke holes in your bucket that will allow the nasty stuff to flow through your bucket better and better and hold onto the good stuff.  As your bucket starts filling up, remember to practice these skills.

2) Empty It – When your bucket starts getting full take it to a counselor, a pastor, or a support group and empty it out in a safe and responsible space.

3) Take it Away from the Nasty Spigot for a while -  take a walk, take a hike, go exercise, chop wood, go watch a movie, hop on the bus and see where it takes you, enroll in a pottery class a couple nights a week, start taking Spanish classes, etc.  Mr. or Mrs. Nasty will have a harder time filling up your bucket as fast when you are not next to the spigot.  This will also give you time to practice Number 1 before your bucket gets too full.

You get to choose what you do with your bucket!

Lies we Tell Our Children: Part 2 of 2

“You can do everything you want to do.”

You actually can’t, and trying to live that way means you’ll do nothing well or never be satisfied with what you can do.  Realistically you can probably only do 3-5 things well.

Pursuing too many things is like trying to juggle too many balls at once which always leads to a frenzied chaotic mess.  If we work at it, most of us can juggle one ball at a time really, really well.  If we work at it, a few of us can even juggle five balls at a time really, really well.  After that, things can get kind of dicey.

Personally, I am already committed to being a husband, father, and church planter.  If I try to add too much more I won’t do these things well.  Though choosing what those other one or two things are is often hard, I am better off focusing on and finding contentment in the things I can do and be.

After all, choosing (because we can’t do it all) is one of the few things we actually have no choice in…at least as long as we are constrained by the space-time continuum.

So perhaps instead of “You can do everything you want to do” parents should tell their children, “If you choose carefully and stay focused, you could really be great at something!”

Lies We Tell Our Children: Part 1 of 2

“You can be anything you want to be!”

You actually can’t be anything you want to be.  At 5’1″ 117 pound Laffit Pincay, Jr. would never make it in pro basketball. Shaquille O’Neal could never make it as a professional jockey. Bill Gates will likely never be a dynamic pubic speaker.

Finding your place in the world requires self discovery and world discovery.  You can’t be anything you want to be, no matter how bad you want it, but you were uniquely created for something.  Explore!

The Power of Normal

The power of normal is a powerful force in any environment.  What we perceive to be normal shapes what we wear, the way we talk, the way we arrange our day, the moral and ethical choices we make, our attitudes, and our expectations of life.

In 1970’s America, people wore bell bottom jeans because it was normal.

In the 2010’s America, people wear skinny Jeans because it is normal.

In 1980’s American women wore their hair big because it was normal.

In the 1960’s people said “groovy” because it was normal.

In 2010’s California people say “boojie” because it’s normal.

In Brazil if you are 30 minutes late for an appointment, you may not be late because that’s normal.

In Germany if you are 3 minutes late for your appointment, you’re late because that’s normal.

In the 1960’s people occasionally kissed on TV because that’s normal.

In the 1990’s people occasionally slept together on TV because that’s normal.

A bean farmer in El Salvador can have a great attitude because of his perception of normal.

A stock trader making $500,000/yr can be depressed and angry because of his perception of normal.

Be careful what you accept as normal, by doing so you may unknowingly be making a big choice about who you are, what you will do, and how you will live.

Maybe instead of the old “If everyone else jumped off a cliff would you?” question, our moms should have asked us, “If everyone else decided “normal” was a good idea, would you?”